Posted: January 17 ‘19

At the end of 2018 I found out my levels of D-vitamin are very low. D-vitamin isn’t something I’ve ever thought much of. When I started eating vegetarian when I was around 16 years old my levels in general were very bad. Eating vegetarian seemed to improve them, go figure. A couple of times years later I was told my iron levels were too high whish I found strange as a menstruating vegetarian. A few years ago I started leaning toward veganism. I’ve always eaten multi vitamins, worried about B12. D-vitamin slipped under the radar.

The last couple of years I’ve felt increasingly ill in a vague way. My muscles have felt wrong, as though they were itching inside, I’ve been physically and mentally exhausted, I’ve gained weight and got lactic acid from just walking up the stairs. My hair has thinned out, my body has felt numb like a shell. The thought of exersize has been laughable.

When I started eating the D vitamin supplement I got worse. The first three days I was basically bedbound. My stomach hurt and I was knocked out. I couldn’t believe it. Slowly it began to shift. Quicker than I expected I felt the change. It was a radical experience. That’s why I decided to write this, to record it for myself.

(”Health: D Vitamin” is seriously the worst title, it’s so dull I shudder.)

The first thing to improve was not my body, but my mind. I started feeling clearer, like stepping out of mist. I remember thinking: “I could exersize.” I was still too tired to do it - I still am, though I’ve started to stretch - but for the first time in a long time it felt like a possibility and not like a joke.

The second big thing is that for the first time in a long time I feel like I am inside a body, inside a living thing and not a shell or armour that I’m dragging around. I can connect to my body and feel other things than for instance hunger. I tingle, I’m alive. I want to move, I want to dance and sing. My instincts are sharpening, which makes me think they are closely connected to the flesh. I’ve started to plan my exersize in what I think is a slow, realistic way, which is good. I’ve started eating slower, more atuned to my body. 

For the first time in a long time I feel excited for myself. I want to know what’s next. I feel more confident. I’ve begun moving differently.

It’s like waking up from a physical depression.

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Posted: January 16 ‘19

2012 I wrote the script for “The Mother of Pearl Cloud” (”Pärlemorsmolnet”). That’s - so - long ago! 

We were five female movie makers, writing five shorts on the same theme (My mother!) to later be screened together. That didn’t come to be. Instead I decided to turn “The Mother of Pearl Cloud” into an adult picture book, animated short and a series of posters.

I worked hard on my book and finished it. Sent it to publishers and producers, got good feedback but no bite. I was close to publishing it myself, but looking at it I felt... oddly discontent. You know when something is right (not perfect; right, there’s a difference) you can feel it in your whole body. It’s like a warm tingle.

As I wasn’t feeling it, I decided to put my project on pause. It was painful and felt like a cop out. I would sometimes look at it, every time experiencing that odd discontentment. 

Last autumn I decided to make a graphic novel. Instead I got into a slump, doubting I knew anything about drawing, basically trying to invent the wheel all over. In the end it was good and necessary, ridding myself of deserted cobwebs. 

To get out of the slump I decided to instead of starting something new once and for all finish “The Mother of Pearl Cloud”. I realised I had to redo seven drawings (out of 32), work through the text, do lay out and decide whether to contact publishers or self publish. Then my first book would be done. (That sentence gives me a warm tingle.)

As I started working on the first illustration I got angry, nervous, stressed. My mind wandered, distancing myself from the present. I couldn’t understand why. Work was going great.

I realised that as efficiently as had I been inside a time machine, I had been transported back to 2013 when I was first imersed in drawing “The Mother of Pearl Cloud”. What I was experiencing was what I had been experiencing then. Old thoughts were trying to push their hooks into my present life. I didn’t know how much of myself I had put into my work. It was still all there, waiting.

The more I work on “The Mother of Pearl Cloud” the more it becomes who I am today. I can now see that the decision to put it on hold was right. I’m glad I trusted my instinct even though I doubted myself and it went against what I wanted.

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Posted: January 8 ‘19

Hi suburban Stockholm. You know what they say, everything is beautiful in the darkness as well as far away...

This is Märsta in the dark.

I saw the William Morris exhibition at Millesgården.

Clearly I need to throw a creepy  mascerade party at Millesgården.

My childhood forest in mist. Did I tell you it’s my favourite weather?

I grieved I didn’t bring my macro lens.

My friend OH Lisa made beautifully eerie analogue visuals at Slaktkyrkan.

Kaelan Mikla, She Past Away and Selofan at Bi Nuu at a Fabrika night. It was glorously packed and sweaty. I got to sneak backstage and meet She Past Away.

Hi golden Berlin.

This year turned me into a hermit. The only time I left home was for going to the post office, food shop + gigs and friends.

2019 promise: Leave home.

All three type writers ran out of ink. It made it hard to make record sleeves for the next åtåmåtån release. :/

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Posted: January 8 ‘19

To be continued. *^ ^*

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